The Great Hairball Treat Adventure

Well, it is time for a few words about hairball treats and other things. Of course, I must also get my grumbling out of my system because that's what I do best. And this is, after all, the place where I tell on Sarah. If she ever gets hold of this keyboard, I'm in big trouble!

First, a word about the hairball treats... Sarah buys them in bulk. (You can do the same. I won't mention that I have managed to con her into putting a product review up here in this here post, so if your cat is really smart and steps on the mouse at just the right time, it will pop up a little window and force you to stare at the hairball treats until you put them in your Amazon cart. Nifty, eh? I'm such a smart cat! I'll have your cats begging before you know it!)

Last week, Sarah got this bright idea to share some treats with her friend, Jenny, who has a brood of cats. Now, my sisters and I didn't mind this because there are plenty more treat packs in the cabinet. (See above paragraph about the bulk-buying.) However, Sarah forgot to tell Jenny about the fact that the treats are addictive. Now, I was a very polite cat while Jenny was here. However, I did put a bug in Inca's ear about the fact that Jenny had left her purse open; and, well, Inca has no shame. She went in and decided to have a treat on Jenny. Unfortunately for Inca, the treat bag was still sealed. But boy, was Jenny surprised to find a cat mugging her, right there in Sarah's living room! And I do mean mugging. With all the attacking and meowing that was going on, she may as well have been yelling, "Give me all your money--I mean treats!"

Jenny made it home safely with two treat packs. Poor Inca didn't get anything. Oh wait! Sarah had mercy on us so we would stay out of Jenny's purse. Sucker! According to Jenny's mom, who was visiting from Texas, the kitchen was quite the happenin' place the next morning when the treats were given out for the second time. It won't be long before they start begging.

I got caught off guard on Sunday night. Sierra was sleeping on the bed, and I was very hungry. Of course, I was, um, asking for my treat. I will learn never to be so distracted by my hunger again! Sarah put me on the bed, on her lap, next to that gray cat, and made me eat treats out of her hand ... and I am such a gullible fool! I sat right there and did it--and purred! I am utterly humiliated! I waited a whole five days before asking for any more treats, and I didn't even deliver a single hairball. The problem is that Sarah is going to be a tough trainer to throw off. She fed me in my chair this time, which means she's probably working up to a really good trick when I'm not expecting it.

Who trains whom?

It seems that Sarah has decided to train the cat. I tried my beg-for-treats routine this morning, and she played a cruel trick on me. It was cruel because it worked. We'll see how long I fall for this routine...

Last post, I mentioned that I sit up on the top of the chair and mreow for the treat. Well, today I didn't do that. First, I let her know that the silly dog had eaten all of my food. I didn't tell a lie; she really did eat all of my food. I think Sarah has been skimping on Loretta's food because it's the end of the month. Anyway, Sarah filled my bowl, and I acted all happy and perky. In a few minutes, I pestered her again, paws on the leg. "Hey there, excuse me. I'm still hungry..." I didn't mreow or anything. Just a nice, polite request.

Now the key here is that I haven't begged in several days. This is really important. I think it occurred to Sarah that I might be in danger... You know, I might actually get a hairball! And that could have extremely unpleasant repercussions for her.

This is where things take a turn I don't like. The computer chair is my territory. The bed is Inca and Sierra's territory. I do not share my territory with anybody. It is enough that I share a house at all. Sarah already makes me share a food bowl; but there are certain things I just will not do. Going near Inca or Sierra is one of those things; and we all have a generally mutual understanding about this. Inca has even started making Sarah put the food on the bed when I am lounging in the chair so that I don't have to see her ugly face through my closed eyelids.

Now, Sarah has been very respectful of these boundaries during the past seven years that I have been part of her family. The only time she violated them, I forgave her. More on that in another post. When she feeds me my treats, she always gives them to me in my chair so that Inca and Sierra won't touch them.

Sarah has this weird fascination with making me eat treats out of her hand. I think it is crazy; but she seems to think I can learn to take treats without nipping her. Well, of course, I can! What a ridiculous notion: Nipping isn't about lack of self-control! It is about me trying to tell you something that you haven't already heard, you silly human! But I have obliged her and have "learned" to take treats very nicely out of her hand while sitting on the back of my chair. I have even learned to eat them without dropping a single morsel. Now that is an accomplishment--I have this bad habit of being a very messy eater.

Well, this morning Sarah pulled one over on me. She held the treats in her hand from her perch on the bed; and I was so stinking hungry that I went and took them and stood there and ate them. I went to Inca's territory for treats! I am mortified! It must never happen again, no matter how hungry I am! I must retrain Sarah!

Hungry!

Again I haven't been able to get to the blog. Sarah has been busy starting other blogs. You can see the feeds on her web site if you want to know what has been keeping me away. In my absence, I've also been developing a new talent to make sure that she feeds me. I have learned to beg for cat treats.

I must explain--I wouldn't want to overstate my talents. In the past, I had a habit of biting when I was hungry. Sarah decided to "nip this in the bud" by free-feeding me. Then she decided that I was just a bit addicted to my food, so she started feeding me once a day. I learned to put my front paws on her legs when I was hungry--you know, when there were still a few kibbles left and I wasn't quite sure that I would have enough to gorge myself. She seemed satisfied with that. (Inca's method of asking for food is to jump on the desk and knock things around; and Sarah hasn't managed to train her to do anything differently. I think that means I am smarter than Inca.)

So when Sarah started giving us Friskies hairball treats, I decided that I had to refine my food-gathering technique. She just doesn't give them out often enough. They really are quite good, you see, and Sarah just didn't understand when I put my paws on her. She would check the food bowl and scold me for lying to her about it being empty.

So I added something new to my routine. After putting my paws on her, I ran and jumped up on the back of the desk chair. Then I let out a loud, authoritative "Mreow!" In fact, it was the very same "Mreow!" that I let out the first time she gave me a treat. That should settle the matter.

It worked all right--for about a week. She's on to me now and won't treat me at my request anymore. I'll have to revise my technique again...

Pop, pop, pop!

It is July 6. Sarah has been busy doing this and that and hasn't let me get to my blog. But tonight she filled that big cat food bucket, and I am celebrating by taking the keyboard away from her. And I have something to hiss about.

They are still popping those nasty fireworks outside.

Sarah says that I really should post things in a more timely manner. Well, if she would give me the keyboard, I would. But for now, I'll just say it anyway. Fireworks scare cats. It is unkind to continue popping them for hours on end outside the window of a home where cats reside. Please stop!

If you happen to be unfortunate enough to live near firework-popping crazy people, please do your kitties a favor and keep your own self very calm and don't talk to them in baby talk. That just makes them more hyper and will result in you being kept awake all night (which you deserve if you use that silly high voice).

A treat, a treat!

Sarah bought my cat food today... By the way, she bragged to her dad that unlike some other picky kitties she's been reading about online, my sisters and I don't mind eating the Life Source bits in the new Blue Buffalo indoor formula. She made some silly comment about how I don't throw food all over the floor and waste half of what I'm supposed to be eating anymore. She doesn't realize that I'm just making her think that I'm getting in on this budgeting kick so she won't put me on a diet... Anyway, she brought home a big surprise: catnip!!! I should say, a catnip toy. It's a mouse that dangles from a ring so that she can hold it and and we can attack it instead of attacking her. She thought it would be a nice toy for me. Unfortunately, Inca got it first--and wouldn't let it go. She attacked the mouse and buried her head in the ring, even turning her head upside down so she could lick and nip to her little heart's content--except the little kitty heart just could not get enough nip to be contented. Eventually I had a chance to rub my head on that little treasure, too. But boy, oh boy, did Inca ever get a bang out of that little mouse!

Some dogs have all the luck...

Some animals have all the luck! I never seem to fall into that category. Sarah says she knows how I feel, but today I'm pretty mad at her. She caused the problem I am grumbling about.

She decided it was time to fill up that dog's food container--you know, that big, huge container that holds 40 pounds of dog food. Well... she didn't have such good aim with the top of the bag. (I could've told her it would be better to call that Dad man downstairs to come and do this.) Dog food went everywhere! She cleaned it up, but that dog got to play snacky later. Man... It should've been me! No such luck. Cat food bags only weigh 20 pounds, and she never spills those.

My only consolation is that she won't feed Inca any animal crackers. At least there is one thing Inca doesn't get her way about.

How shall we feed the cat?

My cat food container is getting low... Inca has some rather creative solutions to the problem: she has gotten rather interested in Sarah's animal crackers. So far, Sarah has kept them away from her; but I can't guarantee that the bag will remain intact.

Sarah spent some time today looking at jobs on a freelance site. She didn't come away very happy. Most of the jobs advertised offered to pay $1 or $2 per 500-word article. Sarah thinks it is professionally insulting. I wonder how it would put cat food in my bowl! Notice that I'm still rather concerned about this diet thing?

I think Sarah should do something else about finding work.

Hungry cats must be fed!

This week, hoards of people have descended upon Anderson for the annual North American Convention of the Church of God--Sarah insists it should just be called "camp meeting." Some local business owners complain that customers are rude during this annual event. Apparently people don't like the impact of a bunch of out-of-towners on food service. They should see what happens when hungry cats don't get served quickly enough! Sarah has spent the last several years teaching me to stand up and meow instead of bite. If only she knew what angst I hold back when that food bowl is empty--especially when that silly dog has stolen all the food! One day I will pay that dog back for stealing my food...





Speaking of food, I managed to get the bowl filled today, and I didn't even have to say a word. I put a bug in Inca's ear about the impending diet. When there were just a few kibbles left, she started leaping from the dresser to the desk, knocking things around, and generally creating a major scene. It was quite an effective distraction. Sarah got up after about ten minutes and performed the required food bowl maintenance. Score! By the way, Inca is 14 years old. She may just live long enough to pass the Old Casey...

Sable vs. Casey

Casey... She was the only other fat cat to ever grace this house. Sarah likes little dainty princess cats who look like they never eat. Ha! Liars! They just burn it off outside. Some of them don't even know how to hide the evidence! Better to enjoy my food right here in the open! I don't mess with birds, rabbits, etc. My bowl of food is just fine. There's only one problem: Sarah's thinking about putting me on a diet. I think I may have to fake her out for a while and make her think food doesn't matter that much to me.

I shouldn't talk too negatively about Casey. She did live to be 19 years old. I hear she was quite the legend around here and good at irritating Sarah's mother even though she was sweet and could purr loud enough to wake the dead. And apparently we have a few things in common (besides being fat cats). Neither of us were supposed to be here. Casey's sweetness enabled her to wiggle her way into Sarah's family--or maybe it was her pathetic abused-stray-cat appearance combined with Sarah's new job and love for that soft fur and loud purr.

I was not an abused stray cat. I belonged to Sarah's roommate; and I was mean and nasty. Sarah's roommate moved away and only took one cat. Imagine my surprise when I didn't make the cut. My pretty fluffy sister and I were slated to go to the shelter, where we would supposedly get nice new homes. Ha! Imagine the nipping and hissing and spitting that would begin when little curious fingers began approaching my cage, expecting me to purr and nuzzle their hands in excitement over the possibility of going home! I don't think so.

Sarah thought she would "just try it." Ha! Here I am, seven years later; and I know everything about her life! Exactly the way I planned it. I'm not thrilled about the fact that every few years she insists on bringing a new dog in here--she calls them Seeing Eye dogs. Truth be told, I'd be perfectly happy if she dumped off everyone but me and I was the queen of the home. But she keeps talking about how much she loves us all... Every day she sings a little song and pets "Inca Binca," sleeps the entire night with Sierra in her arms, takes a gazillion trips with Loretta (that "Seeing Eye dog" whom I can't stand), and insists on holding me and then giving me a treat. I can live with it. But in return, I'll reveal a little of life's secrets.